I know that there are owners out there that will walk their dogs on a treadmill, however, how these people got their cats to cooperate is beyond me!
Enjoy!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
Here's something to think about...
As I sit here and listen to the evening news, my heart breaks and goes out to Jennifer Hudson and her family. May she get all the love, comfort and support she needs in her hour of crisis.
This incident, a celebrity in the news due to a family crisis, reminds me of Dennis Quaid and his family and the tragedy that befell them not so long ago with the twins and the over dose of Heparin that was given the newborns.
Both of these incidents became national news, why? Is it due to the tragedy surrounding why it's newsworthy? Or is it because of their celebrity?
I wish my memory were better so that I could be certain in my facts as to what hospitals were involved, however I do recall being outraged by the fact that not one or two infants suffered from Heparin overdose in the Indianapolis area hospitals, but six. Not a multiple birth situation either, but six different families were affected by this. Why is it then that the manufacturers' of Heparin only changed their labels when a celebrity became involved? As a nurse, we're human, we make mistakes, yet when a celebrity is involved, that nurse becomes Satan's sister and is forever maligned in the media for a mistake that anyone could make. So the error that is made is equal regardless of who the patient is, however it's because of celebrity that it's now newsworthy and everyone knows about it.
In south Chicago, gunfire is commonplace, as one neighbor of Jennifer Hudson's mother pointed out. He said and I paraphrase "Gunfire is something we hear all the time, we've stopped bothering to call the police". How sad is that? Here are people like you and I, trying to live their lives day by day in an area that has that level of violence in it. Parents probably terrified to let their little ones play out in the yard for fear of drive by shootings, yet, when gunfire is heard, the same parents are apathetic to pick up the phone to make a call? Tragically, you have to wonder then, how much difference would that call have made? Is that why they aren't bothered to make the call? Or would they just then be constantly on the phone?
I firmly believe that if people spent more time invested in their neighbors and neighborhoods, family and schools and a bit less time on the things that bring on apathy, the tragedy that Jennifer and her family must now face would be less common than they are now. Believe me, when apathy sets in, many more people than celebrities are affected.
After all, there are more "commoners" who face this sort of tragedy every day.
Yet sadly, it's not national news.
My prayers go out to The Hudson family. Take care and be well.
This incident, a celebrity in the news due to a family crisis, reminds me of Dennis Quaid and his family and the tragedy that befell them not so long ago with the twins and the over dose of Heparin that was given the newborns.
Both of these incidents became national news, why? Is it due to the tragedy surrounding why it's newsworthy? Or is it because of their celebrity?
I wish my memory were better so that I could be certain in my facts as to what hospitals were involved, however I do recall being outraged by the fact that not one or two infants suffered from Heparin overdose in the Indianapolis area hospitals, but six. Not a multiple birth situation either, but six different families were affected by this. Why is it then that the manufacturers' of Heparin only changed their labels when a celebrity became involved? As a nurse, we're human, we make mistakes, yet when a celebrity is involved, that nurse becomes Satan's sister and is forever maligned in the media for a mistake that anyone could make. So the error that is made is equal regardless of who the patient is, however it's because of celebrity that it's now newsworthy and everyone knows about it.
In south Chicago, gunfire is commonplace, as one neighbor of Jennifer Hudson's mother pointed out. He said and I paraphrase "Gunfire is something we hear all the time, we've stopped bothering to call the police". How sad is that? Here are people like you and I, trying to live their lives day by day in an area that has that level of violence in it. Parents probably terrified to let their little ones play out in the yard for fear of drive by shootings, yet, when gunfire is heard, the same parents are apathetic to pick up the phone to make a call? Tragically, you have to wonder then, how much difference would that call have made? Is that why they aren't bothered to make the call? Or would they just then be constantly on the phone?
I firmly believe that if people spent more time invested in their neighbors and neighborhoods, family and schools and a bit less time on the things that bring on apathy, the tragedy that Jennifer and her family must now face would be less common than they are now. Believe me, when apathy sets in, many more people than celebrities are affected.
After all, there are more "commoners" who face this sort of tragedy every day.
Yet sadly, it's not national news.
My prayers go out to The Hudson family. Take care and be well.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Things I hate...okay, really dislike alot # 192
I hate it when I sneeze then feel queasy after. I hate to puke.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
If you've got the time and need a good laugh...
This is quite possibly one of the longest reviews I've ever read, but having tried so many different exercise DVD's and VHS tapes, I certainly understand being hesitant in shelling out more money for a new routine, then I found this review.
It remains to be seen if I will again shell out the cash for this in hopes of being forever transformed, but damn, it's good to see I'm not the only one out there laughing at myself!
It remains to be seen if I will again shell out the cash for this in hopes of being forever transformed, but damn, it's good to see I'm not the only one out there laughing at myself!
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Monday, August 11, 2008
Gotta love my Frannie...
It always seems to be that she knows just what I need to brighten my day!
Thanks doll!
Friday, July 25, 2008
ATTENTION MEN!!!
I've finally discovered the means to understanding those of the same sex as me. Let's face it, even women don't get how other women think. So don't feel special if you don't get yours, nobody gets us.
So here are a few ground rules and clues that you should live by and pay attention to for a happy home and a peaceful life...
When a woman says...
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means
she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
So here are a few ground rules and clues that you should live by and pay attention to for a happy home and a peaceful life...
When a woman says...
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.
4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means
she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.
8. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F@!K YOU!
9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Some things to think about...
To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates
recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they
did not and will not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good,
politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no
concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in
the real world.
Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it!
Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about
yourself.
Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
Rule 4: If you think your teachers are tough, wait till you get
a boss.
Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called
it opportunity.
Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, nor anyone
else's, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.
Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your
clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you
were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your
parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades
and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right
answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in
real life.
Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers
off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND
YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.
Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually
have to leave the coffee shop and go to work at jobs.
Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
In closing:
If you agree, pass the rules onto someone who's not been lucky
enough to learn them.
If you can read this - Thank a teacher!
If you are reading it in English - Thank a soldier!!
If you live somewhere where you can express an opinion without
reprisals, thank GOD.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I always knew pharmaceuticals were big business...
FINALLY! Let's face it, pharmaceuticals are HUGE right now! The drug companies are getting with the program! Drug manufacturers are getting smart and have developed medications designed with women in mind.
Now I got this list covertly, so be careful who you share it with, it's a work in progress.
The new drugs for women are:
DAMNITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person.
BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Now I got this list covertly, so be careful who you share it with, it's a work in progress.
The new drugs for women are:
DAMNITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!
ST. MOMMA'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person.
BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat
ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.
Monday, July 14, 2008
A follow up to Just a thought #192...
Since crickets don't have an accent in England, (I know, I've heard them) do other animals in other countries make noise with an accent?
Yanno, a dog in France barking with a french accent or a cat in Germany meowing with a german accent?
Just a thought.
Yeah I know, I'm a dork and should keep such thoughts to myself. But sometimes, they escape and need sharing.
I'll shut up now.
Yanno, a dog in France barking with a french accent or a cat in Germany meowing with a german accent?
Just a thought.
Yeah I know, I'm a dork and should keep such thoughts to myself. But sometimes, they escape and need sharing.
I'll shut up now.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Today's lesson...
A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.
"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Just so you know...
A dangerous new virus is being distributed electronically. It is called the Worm Overload Recreation Killer (WORK). You can get WORK from your boss or colleagues. Do not touch it.
The virus will wipe out your private life. If you come into contact
with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery store.
Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated.
Try and make sure that you warn five of your friends. If you don't have five friends, you're infected with WORK and it is controlling your life already!
The virus will wipe out your private life. If you come into contact
with WORK, there are two antidotes. You can purchase Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). They're available at your local grocery store.
Take repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated.
Try and make sure that you warn five of your friends. If you don't have five friends, you're infected with WORK and it is controlling your life already!
Friday, May 2, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Open letter to those 30 and younger...
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways...
yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty *coughs*, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the internet If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! And paper!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napster! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like call waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy caller ID boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had Atari! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died...
And you only had 3 chances before you died!!!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing a s stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!
You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bast#&%'s!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire .. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to pop it in a pot with oil on the stove or use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
.................oy I think I just pulled a muscle with that rant *hobbles off on her walker*
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning .. uphill BOTH ways...
yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty *coughs*, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy!
I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia!
And I hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the internet If we wanted to know something,
we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter, with a pen! And paper!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take like a week to get there!
There were no MP3's or Napster! You wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the damn record store and shoplift it yourself! Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
We didn't have fancy crap like call waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy caller ID boxes either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had Atari! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died...
And you only had 3 chances before you died!!!
When you went to the movie theater there no such thing a s stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! If a tall guy or some old broad with a hat sat in front of you and you couldn't see, you were just screwed!
Sure, we had cable television, but back then that was only like 15 channels and there was no on screen menu and no remote control! You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing!
You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel and there was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-bast#&%'s!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove or go build a frigging fire .. imagine that! If we wanted popcorn, we had to pop it in a pot with oil on the stove or use that stupid Jiffy Pop thing and shake it over the stove forever like an idiot.
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy.
You're spoiled.
You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980!
Regards,
The over 30 Crowd
.................oy I think I just pulled a muscle with that rant *hobbles off on her walker*
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Updated Employee Handbook (did you get your copy?)
Updated Employee Handbook
UPDATED DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. {Screwed no matter how it goes eh?}
UPDATED SICK DAYS POLICY: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. {Wonder if I call in dead if that counts for anything? Or will I need to get a coroner to call in for me?}
UPDATED PERSONAL DAYS POLICY: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. {And here I thought they were being cheap with only 6 before! What an improvement!}
UPDATED BEREAVEMENT LEAVE POLICY: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. {That's nice and generous, I wonder if they'll send flowers too?}
UPDATED RESTROOM USE POLICY: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. {I'm screwed!}
UPDATED LUNCH BREAK POLICY: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast. {It only takes me 3 minutes for my Slim Fast, but I'm not telling them that!}
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. *cough, cough* We are here to provide a positive employment experience. {Yeah riiiiiiiiiiight} Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. {No surprise there!}
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
..........yeah.....that's about the size of it!
UPDATED DRESS CODE: It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. {Screwed no matter how it goes eh?}
UPDATED SICK DAYS POLICY: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. {Wonder if I call in dead if that counts for anything? Or will I need to get a coroner to call in for me?}
UPDATED PERSONAL DAYS POLICY: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. {And here I thought they were being cheap with only 6 before! What an improvement!}
UPDATED BEREAVEMENT LEAVE POLICY: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. {That's nice and generous, I wonder if they'll send flowers too?}
UPDATED RESTROOM USE POLICY: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. {I'm screwed!}
UPDATED LUNCH BREAK POLICY: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast. {It only takes me 3 minutes for my Slim Fast, but I'm not telling them that!}
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. *cough, cough* We are here to provide a positive employment experience. {Yeah riiiiiiiiiiight} Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. {No surprise there!}
Have a nice week!
THE MANAGEMENT
..........yeah.....that's about the size of it!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Monday, March 3, 2008
Best of 2007 headlines...
Sometimes it pays to pay attention to the news......
If only for the giggles that are sure to ensue!
And the best headlines of 2007 are.........
[As always, a smartass comment to follow *wink*]
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
If only for the giggles that are sure to ensue!
And the best headlines of 2007 are.........
[As always, a smartass comment to follow *wink*]
Crack Found on Governor's Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that's taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought!]
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren't they fat enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
[Taste like chicken?]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Friday, February 15, 2008
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Wow...
Sorry, it's been a while...
Some catching up to do...
Bubby was in the Phantom News, think of it as an unofficial Stars and Stripes type of paper. Very proud of him for that, glad to see him at work. Very cool stuff! If you're interested in seeing the article, let me know, I can shoot you a copy of it.
Back to school after a short break for MLK day, had 2 tests, got a 93% in Child Health, an 80% in Nutrition. VERY VERY happy about that! Especially the Child Health score.....Nutrition, kicking myself that it's not better, however, I've got plenty of time to bring it up.
Started working out seriously. No, no, seriously. Stop laughing. Okay, so here's the deal. I'm going to participate in The Flying Pig Marathon in 2009 (insert your own joke here). I said participate. Meaning I'll either be running, walking or hell, rollerblading, but in some form or another I'm in that Marathon!
Moving on...
Ohhhhhh yeah, nearly forgot. I've got a job interview coming up. Wanna guess where? Click here to find out!
Right now that's about all that's going on. Well that and something really cool at work, however I'll save that for another post.
Talk soon.
Some catching up to do...
Bubby was in the Phantom News, think of it as an unofficial Stars and Stripes type of paper. Very proud of him for that, glad to see him at work. Very cool stuff! If you're interested in seeing the article, let me know, I can shoot you a copy of it.
Back to school after a short break for MLK day, had 2 tests, got a 93% in Child Health, an 80% in Nutrition. VERY VERY happy about that! Especially the Child Health score.....Nutrition, kicking myself that it's not better, however, I've got plenty of time to bring it up.
Started working out seriously. No, no, seriously. Stop laughing. Okay, so here's the deal. I'm going to participate in The Flying Pig Marathon in 2009 (insert your own joke here). I said participate. Meaning I'll either be running, walking or hell, rollerblading, but in some form or another I'm in that Marathon!
Moving on...
Ohhhhhh yeah, nearly forgot. I've got a job interview coming up. Wanna guess where? Click here to find out!
Right now that's about all that's going on. Well that and something really cool at work, however I'll save that for another post.
Talk soon.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Can you guess who's the proud new Aunt??
Our highly anticipated little bundle of blue joy arrived into the world at 12:42am today, weighing 8 pounds 7 ounces. Mom and son are doing fine and we're tickled pink!!!....erm....blue!!!Saturday, January 5, 2008
Valuable lesson learned in my Anatomy class...
All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.
'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.''I should be in charge,' said the stomach,' Because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes
got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... The asshole is usually in charge
'I should be in charge,' said the brain , 'Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen.'
'I should be in charge,' said the blood , 'Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away.''I should be in charge,' said the stomach,' Because I process food and give all of you energy.'
'I should be in charge,' said the legs, 'because I carry the body wherever it needs to go.'
'I should be in charge,' said the eyes, 'Because I allow the body to see where it goes.'
'I should be in charge,' said the rectum, 'Because I'm responsible for waste removal.'All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes
got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The Moral of the story? Even though the others do all the work... The asshole is usually in charge
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