ATTENTION MEN!!!

I've finally discovered the means to understanding those of the same sex as me. Let's face it, even women don't get how other women think. So don't feel special if you don't get yours, nobody gets us.

So here are a few ground rules and clues that you should live by and pay attention to for a happy home and a peaceful life...


When a woman says...

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's okay means
she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has
told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

Some things to think about...

To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.  Bill Gates
recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they
did not and will not learn in school. He talked about how feel-good,
politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no
concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in
the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair -- get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem.  The world will
expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about
yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teachers are tough, wait till you get
a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping -- they called
it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, nor anyone
else's, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your
clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you
were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your
parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades
and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right
answer.  This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in
real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers
off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND
YOURSELF.  Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually
have to leave the coffee shop and go to work at jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.



In closing:

If you agree, pass the rules onto someone who's not been lucky
enough to learn them.

If you can read this - Thank a teacher!

If you are reading it in English - Thank a soldier!!

If you live somewhere where you can express an opinion without
reprisals, thank GOD.

I always knew pharmaceuticals were big business...

FINALLY! Let's face it, pharmaceuticals are HUGE right now! The drug companies are getting with the program! Drug manufacturers are getting smart and have developed medications designed with women in mind.

Now I got this list covertly, so be careful who you share it with, it's a work in progress.

The new drugs for women are:

DAMNITOL: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN: Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO: Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person.

BUYAGRA: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN: Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT: When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.

A follow up to Just a thought #192...

Since crickets don't have an accent in England, (I know, I've heard them) do other animals in other countries make noise with an accent?

Yanno, a dog in France barking with a french accent or a cat in Germany meowing with a german accent?

Just a thought.

Yeah I know, I'm a dork and should keep such thoughts to myself. But sometimes, they escape and need sharing.

I'll shut up now.

Today's lesson...

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.


The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!

Moral of this story....


Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! BS and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Be careful where you snore...